Before July of 2019 I had no real desire to be a streamer. While I had experience with a live stream interview show on YouTube, I personally never saw myself as a streamer. To me streamers where simply either e-personalities or pro gamers. From the onset I strove to be authentically me and to pursue the topics I deeply cared about but I failed at that when I was faced with enormous weight of how to get exposure. I realize this is my flaw and one I have to get over if I am ever going to come back to streamer wherever that is. It is vital you understand that I am placing my own personal problems as the main reason for stepping back. It is important I ask myself if I truly want to be a streamer because I like streaming or if I want it to be something else. However with that in mind I need to also admit that the problems at Dlive have not help and it is going to be essential they fix these issues before I can come back. Let it be known that there are two questions here: Do I want to stream and do I want to do it at Dlive.
I realize that this is not the first time I have told people I was leaving Dlive. I am sure by now people might think I am just a drama king wanting attention but ask yourselves this, what streamer doesn’t? The truth is I wear my emotions and passions on my sleeve and this is a problem for streaming for a multitude of reasons. The good thing is that people get to see the real me but the problem is people get to see the real me. I know I do not want to be fake and despite what people may think I am literary just trying to let people know where I am at and maybe that is part of my problem. I need to decide how much of me I should show and how much of me is for consumption. When I first came to Dlive I struggled with figuring out what I was. I started streaming because it was a way to distract myself from my problems and I realize now that can never be why you stream. I also wanted a little side hustle because at the time my wife had also just lost her job. I knew I loved Lord of The Rings and fantasy RPG games but I had difficulty translating that into streaming content. This is where I entered another major problem I begin to be consumed with growing my channel to at least 200 followers in order to get the Affiliate benefits. I felt like the only way to establish myself was to have some of those things already in hand and while it does help being Affiliate the strength in any content is what it is.
Now I will admit it was easy to use the platform and many people were helpful in giving advice but in order to get anywhere it seemed as if you had to grind to that magic number. Last month I had put in the most hours in any given month on the platform. This garnered me the much coveted number of followers but it burnt me out. This is a normal thing and even the best get worn out. So part of my departure is just needing a break. Regardless of what I am about to say it is imperative that you all know that is the most vital factor for my decision but to say that is the only one would be a lie.
It was during this past month though I begin noticing disturbing actions by both streamers and supposed guardians alike. One such streamer even went so far as to call me a fat f*ck on his stream while pulling up my image from another stream I was in. This was frustrating but I tried to deal with it the way I knew how to. I first laughed off the attacks but as they continued and lies where said about me I begin to grow even more frustrated. This is the part where I disclose that I did not handle the situation the way I should and I admit my fault and apologize for that. I do not however think that diminishes the glaring fault of this streamer and the guardians who knowingly allowed it. Not only had this streamer broke TOS of Dlive by personally attacking me and having another stream in his to make insult to injury he also was made Affiliate and is if that was not enough it was visited and hosted by guardians of Dlive. It felt like a punch in the gut. Not only had this guy got Affiliate before me in a shorter time he was being praised by Guardians for being a troll. This is only the most grievous account I have a whole list of other actions by other people. Now I will admit I also did wrong and I need to come to terms with the fact that I allowed such an obvious troll get to me. I did use a false account to confront this guy BUT ONLY BECAUSE HE WOULD NOT STOP LYING ABOUT ME. To make matters worst one of his mods was trying to get me tossed for doing such when it obvious by my language I was not trying to troll this guy but get him to shut up. The only reason I did that is because he muted me after lying about me doing that to him, in a stream THAT WAS NOT MINE. Anyways this is all water under the bridge but it only points to me a problem at DLIVE that I need to be solved before I return. This though is still not the whole enchilada.
I am also equally concern with the direction of the platform. I know it is in the midst of a sea change and I really want to know if it will remain a place that allows for free speech and does not try to cater to only esports. I want more diversity on DLIVE but I also want it be a product I can bring my friends to. I truly hope Dlive can strive to be the platform built on community it started out as.
Part of my problem I also have to admit is that I need to decide if I want to be a streamer and why? I want to refocus on myself and refresh my battery and if I feel up to being a streamer again I will then address the other issues. I have hope that Dlive will fix these problems but until that day I can’t even consider coming back. Again I realize what this might seem to some but that is where your opinion of me is going to determine if you care enough to watch. At this point I will focus on my content and not anyone else. I have to come to terms with my faults and see if this is going to be a worth while thing. I say this because I do not want to feel like I have to be somebody else to grow. While I have never wanted to make a full time living off streaming I wanted to make enough to improve the quality and justify the time spent. In the end what I would like the most is to spend time on what is real. I realize that part of my problem is just that my problem. I have to take time and really ask myself if I am going to be a streamer and if that will be on Dlive. If I come back it will be because I have answered yes to both questions. It is truly my hope that Dlive can be the platform I want it to be and if it is in my heart to stream again to do it there because it has been to this point a rather successful endeavor even with the setbacks and drama. It is my hope Dlive can see the cancer before it overtakes the platform. I can assure you all that if I come back it may be devil may care with me. I will not be the same Wandering Ranger. For those who have been fair with me you may find this all to be a stunt. All I can say is that it is not. I am sometimes overtly hasty with my emotions maybe because I am a Pisces. I cannot change your minds about me and my reasons and I have to accept that reality and whatever it may cost me. I can say that if I am guilty of anything it is wearing my heart on my sleeve. I have to take accountability for my actions and if Dlive wants to ban me for my poor decisions it can. I can only say that it is a weakness of mine to want to engage with people, I should accept some responsibility the same as others but in the end I need a break and how long it will be is yet to be seen. This is the reality of the situation.